


Buzzfeed Presents: Thirst Tweets with Richie Tozier

by zach_stone



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, I literally don't know how to tag this, M/M, Married Couple, No Plot/Plotless, Post-Canon, Thirst Tweets, it's just. if richie were on buzzfeed thirst tweets, really just throwing things into the wind now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-12 04:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20985095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zach_stone/pseuds/zach_stone
Summary: Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier Reading Thirst Tweets | Buzzfeed Celeb1,031,579 views ● November 2017Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier (whose third Netflix special comes out January 2018) reads some of the internet’s thirstiest tweets about him — with some off-camera commentary from a special guest!





	Buzzfeed Presents: Thirst Tweets with Richie Tozier

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tozierrichie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tozierrichie/gifts).

> fully dedicated to gillian, yet again, for coming up with the idea and allowing me to write it. i hope this lives up to ur dreams somewhat, gillian!!! xoxo
> 
> most of the "tweets" were based on tags on bill hader gifsets, or gillian's and my imaginations - and one bill hader sex dream tumblr post that i can't for the life of me find the link to right now, but sorry @ that user, gillian made me do it. the twitter usernames (with one exception, see end notes) are made up, too.

**Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier Reading Thirst Tweets | Buzzfeed Celeb**

_ 1,031,579 views ● November 2017 _

Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier (whose third Netflix special comes out January 2018) reads some of the internet’s thirstiest tweets about him — with some off-camera commentary from a special guest! 

* * *

_ [DESC.: Richie Tozier, 41 years old, sits at a table with a blue background behind him and a small bucket of paper strips in front of him. He’s wearing a bright purple T-shirt that says “TRASHMOUTH” in bold font, and a Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned over it. He makes a face at someone off camera before he speaks.] _

RICHIE: Hi, I’m Richie Tozier, also known as Trashmouth, and these are your thirst tweets, apparently. As someone who started his comedy career at the tender age of thirteen with exclusively “I fucked your mom” jokes, I’m _ very _excited to see what you’re all bringing to the table.

_ [TITLE CARD: Buzzfeed Presents: Thirst Tweets with Richie Tozier] _

RICHIE: And as a very recently out gay man, I’m really hoping some of you are dudes. That would be great for my ego. _[reaches into bucket]_ Oh, okay, this one’s fine. 

**@comedystan77: @trashmouthtozier what that trashmouth do **

RICHIE: I see that in my mentions, like, seventeen times a day. Come on guys, do better. Be more creative. 

**@richietozxer: richie tozier is a dilf**

RICHIE: _ [laughs] _Wait, am I allowed to be a dilf if I don’t have kids? 

_ EDDIE KASPBRAK, OFF-SCREEN: I’m pretty sure it has more to do with your energy than having actual kids, Rich. _

RICHIE: So I just exude like, fuckable dad energy? Rad. I’m into it. Thanks, Twitter.

**@ghostrider_: trashmouth tozier is a fine piece of ass that could get it 10 times a day**

RICHIE: Aw, is this my husband’s account? _ [looks at someone off-screen, smirks] _ I’m kidding, he would never call me Trashmouth in bed. _ [raises eyebrows] _ Or _ would _ he? He’s here, we can ask him.

_ [Camera starts to pan — EDDIE, off-screen, yells “Fuck! No!” and RICHIE cackles. Camera cuts to a new shot of RICHIE, now reading a tweet aloud.] _

**@yournamehere: richie tozier isnt even that hot, hes like a generic 40yo dude but i still want him to **** my *****

RICHIE: Okay, now _ this _must be Eddie’s account. Really though, I think it’s hilarious when people do the asterisks. Don’t hide your horniness, you cowards.

_ EDDIE, OFF-SCREEN: I like that they still tried to knock your ego down a few pegs while they were being horny. That’s always my goal. _

RICHIE: Eds, stop adding commentary if you’re not gonna get on camera. _[pulls out next slip of paper] _ Okay, “the best sex —” _ [breaks off, laughing] _ Wait, I can say this, right? Are you gonna bleep it? Okay, okay. _ [starts laughing again] _

**@dandy_andy_: the best sex ive ever had is when richie tozier rawed me in a dream last week**

RICHIE: This is genuinely the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. I want details, man, paint me a word picture. _ [laughs at something off-screen] _ What! Best sex they’ve _ ever _ had, Eddie. I want the dirty details. Maybe get pointers from my dream-self. _ [to camera] _Just kidding, I don’t need sex tips. High five to your subconscious, though. 

**@xxtrashmthxx: i wanna fuck richie toziers fivehead **

RICHIE: My _ five _ head? Hey! I thought these were supposed to be _ thirst _tweets, this is just bullying. 

_ EDDIE, OFF-SCREEN: [hysterical laughter] _

**@_rainbowroad: richie tozier’s a straight up himbo**

RICHIE: I’m a what now? _ [leans forward, brow furrowed] _

_ BUZZFEED HOST, OFF-SCREEN: It’s like a bimbo but a man. _

RICHIE: _ [cackles] _ I’m a MALE BIMBO?! Holy shit. I don’t even know if I can be offended by that. You know what, I’m not, I’m fucking thrilled. Thank you so much, Twitter user “underscore rainbow road.” _ [under his breath] _Himbo… 

**@gocrxzy: richie tozier’s photoshoot for out magazine is next level horny energy. im rly about to risk it all for this 40yo white man **

RICHIE: Why does everyone have to bring up the age? Cuts deep, man, it really does. But that’s — that’s _ really _ fucking funny about the _ Out _photoshoot, you know, every one of those outfits was made by my dear friend Beverly Marsh, so you have her to thank for any horny energy. I’m gonna call her up after this and ask if that was intentional. Bev Marsh, creator of gay wet dreams since — what, too far? 

**@ekaspbrak: @trashmouthtozier I know you wore that stupid shirt on Conan just to piss me off and I AM going to jump your bones when you get home bc of it**

RICHIE: Man, what did I even wear to Co— wait, hold up, this _ literally is _ my husband’s tweet, for real this time. _ [laughing] _Eddie! You horndog, you tweeted this for God and everyone to see? 

_ EDDIE, OFF-SCREEN: I THOUGHT THAT WAS A DM?! _

RICHIE: _ [laughing too hard to speak] _

_ [Cuts to a new shot — RICHIE is no longer laughing, but he is grinning and wiping tears from under his glasses.] _

RICHIE: Well, this has definitely been _ enlightening _for everyone involved. Wouldn’t you say, Eds?

_ OFF-SCREEN: [indecipherable muttering] _

RICHIE: Anyway, wow. I gotta say, you know, I’m extremely flattered. Genuinely never expected I’d be the guy on a thirst tweets video, but hey, here I am! Anything’s possible if you have a shit-ton of unearned confidence and the power of the gay Twitter community behind you! _ [laughs] _ Uh, if you enjoy hearing about my dick and other gay topics, watch my Netflix special in January. Now _ if _you’ll excuse me, I have to go be murdered by my husband for reading his thirst tweet out loud to the whole internet. Thanks! 

_ [ENDSCREEN] _

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter @hermanngottiieb or tumblr @joshuawashinton  
and follow gillian @richietozxer to see her call richie a dilf for real
> 
> EDIT: please also look at [this AMAZING fanart](https://princedejah.tumblr.com/post/188471302310/please-read-joshuawashinton-s-fic-its-so-good-i) for this fic, i am so thrilled that this exists!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Richie Tozier Answers the Web's Most Searched Questions](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21763480) by [DeadpanMage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadpanMage/pseuds/DeadpanMage)


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